A World Without Teeth

Think of all the amazing things you do with your teeth. If you had no teeth, the world would be a very different place. Let’s take a moment to appreciate all of the wonderful reasons why you should never take your teeth for granted. Ever. Here it is, your life without teeth…

Chewing Food

Just think of all the delicious things you love to eat. Biting into a crispy apple. Digging into a slice of pizza –you know, the very tip of the triangle, that first bite. What about nibbling the top of an ice cream cone once you’ve finished all the ice cream on top? No teeth? You’ll just be gumming that baby until it gets soft enough to dissolve in your mouth. Yuck.

How about the drumstick of a roast chicken? Good luck. Hot dogs? Not so much. Ribs? How would you get the meat off the bones –with your fingers? Ha! Say goodbye meat pies and sausage rolls, ciao to barbecue beef, steamed lobsters and Vegemite on toast. Unless you feel like gumming that, too…

What about your favourite crunchy things? Peanut brittle, granola, macadamia nuts and Violet Crumble. Bye bye salads and sushi and dim sum and fish & chips.

Hello to mashed potatoes. Oatmeal. Applesauce. Chicken broth. Are you getting hungry?

Smiling

You know that first look you exchange with someone? The one where you see that little glint in their eye and you realize it might be love at first sight? And then you both feel your mouths opening into a big smile and –woops…that could be a little awkward, becauseyou have no teeth, remember? Ouch, this life without teeth is going to be a little harder than you thought…

Problems of the Undead

OK, so you’re a vampire. You’re going to have some big problems at feeding time, my friend. There’s not much you can do without a good set of canines when it comes to getting into someone’s neck. And it’s not exactly fashionable, or convenient, to whip out some little box of tools at the big moment. You have to be ready to rock and roll, and teeth, well, they’re just a part of the rock star package.

Your Career as a Movie Star

…is dead in the water if you don’t have teeth. You just need them, that’s all. Who was the last toothless celebrity you saw on the cover of your favourite magazine? Anybody in a movie lately? Right. That sound of crickets you hear right now? That’s the sound of your career.

No Bling for You

You’ve seen the grillz, the tattoos, the jewels. Maybe you even covet one of those gap tooth grins that have been so popular in Japan lately…well you’re not getting any of that, because you have no teeth. You can’t decorate something that doesn’t exist. Sorry.

A Cautionary Tale

You may be wondering what this has to do with you. Well, do you brush your teeth at least twice a day and floss them at least once? Do you avoid munching on sweets and crackers between meals? Do you take a little milk in your coffee to cut the acidity and avoid too much fruit juice and vinegar? Do you resist the urge to eat things like candy apples and toffee and other sticky things that might get caught in your teeth? When you do eat food that gets caught in your teeth, do you rinse them out afterward with a little water, and maybe brush one more time for good luck? Do you remember not to fall asleep in bed with a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the pillow next to you? Do you come in for your regular check-ups?

If you answered yes to all or most of these questions, then your teeth are probably safe. In that case, never mind.